June 22, 2012

Last year was better

Last year at this time, I was getting to the gym nearly every monring by 0500 (that is 5am for civilians).  Last year, I was spinning, running, doing brick workouts, or some kind of strength training on a regular basis.  Last year, I had 2 marathons, 6 half marathons, and 4 triathlons scheduled.  Last year, I jumped out of bed at 0405 when the alarm went off without a problem (no matter what time I went to bed).

Last year my husband, Steve was alive.

This year sucks.  I can't get into any kind of routine.  I'm not tired at night so stay up late, then the next morning, I am exhausted and don't want to get out of bed.  I am running and training, but not with the same enthusiasm.  I have some races and triathlons scheduled - but I don't have Steve here to share my progress and accomplishments.

I just found a blog Widows Speak Up!.  It was comforting to find so many women who feel the same way that I do.  The emotions that I have built up are just such a roller coster of being mad, sad, angry, depressed, overwhelmed, lonely, and having such an empty feeling inside.

I know this is all normal feelings.  I never knew that loosing a spouse could hurt so bad.  Before this happened to me, I had no idea what an empty feeling I would have without Steve.  I don't think that I can come close to describing it. 

At times, I am so overwhelmed with everything that has to be done.  I wasn't a great housekeeper before Steve died and now I seem to be even more of a pack-rat.  I don't want to let go of a single memory.  I have 11 acres of land that must be taken care of - thankfully, only about 5 need to be cut and bush-hogged.  So, I now know how to drive a tractor.  Everyday tasks like cooking, cleaning, and shopping are so hard.

But, there are so many reasons for me to try to overcome this depression that I am in.  I have 3 wonderful children and grandchildren who need to be spoiled.  I have some very good friends who are helping me.  I have my health. I am running and trying to set goals for myself.

My family at the suprise birthday party that Jennifer had for me

I think that Steve would want me to be happy.  I just have to find a way to do it.

1 comment:

  1. I can't imagine losing my husband. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through this past year. I am so sorry. But you are right, I'm sure your husband would want you to be happy and to be out there enjoying your life!!!