Grannie Frannie Runs: Last year was better

Last year at this time, I was getting to the gym nearly every monring by 0500 (that is 5am for civilians). Last year, I was spinning, running, doing brick workouts, or some kind of strength training on a regular basis. Last year, I had 2 marathons, 6 half marathons, and 4 triathlons scheduled. Last year, I jumped out of bed at 0405 when the alarm went off without a problem (no matter what time I went to bed).

Last year my husband, Steve was alive.

This year sucks. I can't get into any kind of routine. I'm not tired at night so stay up late, then the next morning, I am exhausted and don't want to get out of bed. I am running and training, but not with the same enthusiasm. I have some races and triathlons scheduled - but I don't have Steve here to share my progress and accomplishments.

I just found a blog Widows Speak Up!. It was comforting to find so many women who feel the same way that I do. The emotions that I have built up are just such a roller coster of being mad, sad, angry, depressed, overwhelmed, lonely, and having such an empty feeling inside.

I know this is all normal feelings. I never knew that loosing a spouse could hurt so bad. Before this happened to me, I had no idea what an empty feeling I would have without Steve. I don't think that I can come close to describing it.

At times, I am so overwhelmed with everything that has to be done. I wasn't a great housekeeper before Steve died and now I seem to be even more of a pack-rat. I don't want to let go of a single memory. I have 11 acres of land that must be taken care of - thankfully, only about 5 need to be cut and bush-hogged. So, I now know how to drive a tractor. Everyday tasks like cooking, cleaning, and shopping are so hard.

But, there are so many reasons for me to try to overcome this depression that I am in. I have 3 wonderful children and grandchildren who need to be spoiled. I have some very good friends who are helping me. I have my health. I am running and trying to set goals for myself.